March 28, 2008

Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend

New Rule: If I'm paying four bucks a gallon for gas, that TV in the pump has to show porn. This way, I'm not the only one at the pump taking it in the ass.

New Rule: Democrats have to stop overestimating the intelligence of the American people. Hillary and Obama's backdrops have five words on them. Easy, Einstein! Bush only has three words on his. And McCain's has none, because his supporters can't see that far. Sorry, Hilla-Barack, this is America. Anything that wouldn't make sense to the Hulk or Frankenstein is too much. So, here are some suggestions: "Economy Bad." "War Boom." "Black Guy Friend."

New Rule: Jessica Alba doesn't have to speak Spanish. Or at all if she doesn't want to. Some Latino groups are complaining that Jessica Alba is neglecting her heritage by not speaking Spanish. Sorry, but when I fantasize about Jessica Alba being bi, I don't mean bilingual. Plus, it's unfair to expect starlets to always reflect their heritage. Lindsay Lohan is Irish. No one expects her to get drunk and crash a car into a tree. Bad example.

New Rule: If you're in college and not drinking beer, you're doing it wrong. Students at Utah State have taken to playing the drinking game, Beer Pong. With root beer! Instead of beer, root beer! And instead of laughing and partying and trying to get laid, everybody wishes they were dead. Hey, Mormons, if you're going to ask kids to believe in magic underpants and posthumous baptism, don't you kind of want to get 'em half in the bag first?

New Rule: Yoko Ono has to stop saying, "It's what John would have wanted." Really? He would have wanted his songs interpreted by Russian gymnasts at the Mirage Casino? He would have wanted a John Lennon action figure? You know what? I think I know what John Lennon would have wanted: A divorce and Lucy Lu.

New Rule: Being a Democrat and realizing you're never going to be president doesn't mean you have to grow a beard. [photos of Al Gore and Bill Richardson sporting beards] Is it a suicide watch thing? They take away your razor? All I know is, this tradition must stop now, because no one needs to see this. [photo of Hillary Clinton with beard]

New Rule: Scientists must tell us what's in Tampa's drinking water that makes teachers want to fu*k their students. Remember Debra LaFave of Tampa? Well, in the past two weeks, three more Tampa school marms have been arrested for having sex with kids in their class. Authorities are warning parents to look for telltale signs of an affair like a sudden change in your child's behavior, of a note on his report card that says, "Tommy is a pleasure to have in my vagina." That killed me, too.

And, finally, New Rule: Candidates must stop posing on farm equipment. Here's Barack Obama on a tractor, just like the one he used in Afghanistan to harvest poppies. You know, these kind of photos only hurt a campaign. Like this one of Hillary posing with a seed spreader. [photo of Hillary Clinton with Bill Clinton]