| October 3, 2008 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
New Rule: John McCain and Sarah Palin must stop working the "soul mate" angle. You're not Brad and Angelina. You're the "Ghost and Mrs. Muir." Besides, once you cross that line, where does it end? [shot of Biden and Obama looking into each other's eyes]
New Rule: Popes are supposed to love everybody. Pope Benedict has rejected France's new ambassador to the Vatican because he's gay and married to a man. The Pope said it just wouldn't be right to have a homosexual walking around his pretend country--which is run by men in dresses. So, stay away, you nasty, gay French man, or the Vatican guards, in their adorable striped pantaloons, will have their way with you.
New Rule: Celebrity colognes must actually smell like the celebrity. Tim McGraw's new cologne is --quote --"a lush combination of lavender, amber, patchouli and sandalwood. While the actual Tim McGraw is a spicy combination of beef jerky, Pabst Blue Ribbon and WD-40.
And make way for the newest celebrity cologne: McCain. With its alluring combination of flop-sweat, creamed corn, and Preparation H.
New Rule: Amy Winehouse must get on that liver transplant list now. I didn't think it was possible but Amy Winehouse is in worse shape than the U.S. economy. How do I know that? Because she's 22 and she looks like Alan Greenspan.
And --and finally, New Rule: You can't be president if you practice a violent Middle Eastern religion and worship a genocidal desert god. Which is why Sarah Palin can't be president.
Now, all the churches that Sarah Palin has attended --and she's been to almost as many churches as she has colleges--have one thing in common: a belief that the Bible is literally true. She's not "Country First," she's "Bible First." And not just the New Testament. That's the happy half of the Good Book: the baby in the manger, Jesus doing magic tricks, long, romantic walks on the water that turn into fishing trips with the guys. And a generally positive message. Jesus, after all, preached love and forgiveness, not shooting wolves from an airplane.
The problem is, "Governor Avon Lady" --she takes the Old Testament literally, too. And in that one, God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He's been alive forever and he has anger issues. He's like John McCain if McCain could fart hail.
He's pro-slavery, pro-polygamy, and homophobic, and he'll kill you for masturbating. More people get stoned in the Old Testament than in my Jacuzzi. Not that I have to tell you guys.
If there was --if there was a video of Barack Obama standing in front of his congregation being healed by a black witch doctor, this election would be over. But there is that video of Sarah Palin.
So, ask your witch doctor if exorcism is right for you.
And, I don't say "witch doctor" because he's black. I say it because when you're rebuking witches, you're a witch doctor. Witch doctor, folks! This is our country. We've got to get it back from the forces of organized superstition!
People like Bush and Palin simply cannot think clearly because they're in a big, scary, brainwashing cult, and it warps their thinking so much that they're actually horny for the end of the world. And that is not someone I want with the nuclear codes. So, remember that video, and remember that Sarah Palin said --and I quote --"I think I will see Jesus come back to earth in my lifetime."
To which I say, "Hasn't Jesus suffered enough?"
